The following article has been written anonymously by a guy who recently discovered he was HIV+, and his experience in coping with it.

He is happy to answer any questions he can about living with HIV+ from his own experience, in the hope it may help others in a similar situation.

You can send your questions, or tell us about your experiences, from this form. We will not publish your name or email address.

At 58 years old I thought I had experienced most emotions life can throw at you. In October 2003 I was diagnosed as being HIV+. It came as a total shock. I'd had shingles (herpes zoster) earlier that year, not a total surprise as I had it as a teenager, and after the age of 50 it often reappears. I also had fungal toenails, a common complaint but treatment for that seemed not to work. My appetite was poor and I had lost weight. I dismissed these things as due to stress and emotion as my mother was ill in a hospital for the elderly, and she died that year. Other than that I felt well, and a year earlier I had a full medical with a good report.

I thought I was going to die. I felt like dying as the side effects from the medication were severe. My results were serious enough to mean I had to also take anti fungal drugs. With a CD4 level of 202 (200 or less = full blown AIDS) and a viral load of 195,000 (zero is normal), I was in danger of contracting a fungal infection in my lungs, throat or brain.  I lost a great deal of my hair from shock (so the doctors reasoned). I felt sick all the time, had permanent headaches, terrible pins and needles in my legs and arms. I felt like doing nothing. It was a traumatic and very distressing time for me.

But worst of all I felt so alone, despite the terrific support from friends. In the part of Thailand where I live no support groups exist. I looked on the internet but that put more fear into me than comfort. My friends back in my homeland did not know about my condition as it was stressful telling even my closest friends, as there is still a huge amount of stigma about HIV. Thankfully all my friends accepted my condition, both gay and straight. I felt dirty and that my body was somehow unclean, the thought that my semen, blood, urine and salvia were all infected had a profound effect on me. I feel that unless a person has experienced this, they have little idea of what it is really like. I also felt then, and still do, that anyone who looked at me would know that I was HIV+. I felt as if I was wearing a T shirt saying “HIV+”. While that feeling has largely gone, from time to time I still think I look HIV+ to the world. I am sure the stigma is because HIV+ is mainly associated with sexual contact, unlike cancer, it's more of a lifestyle or heredity disease.

A friend introduced me to a friend of theirs who was visiting my area, who was also HIV+.  He had been HIV+ for over 15 years. Meeting him was a great comfort in many ways. Not least to know that he had lived with the disease for that long, and had survived at a time when the drugs were not as refined as they are now. I had in my mind a million worries and thoughts but had no one to ask. The doctor treating me, I feel, literally saved my life, but he was not good at answering my many questions, and is very matter of fact. I well remember on a visit having a list of my concerns. He seemed almost insulted and gave me the feeling I was questioning his ability. Not so of course, it was just my need to know as much as possible.

For many in Thailand the cost of the drugs is a major issue. The generic drugs (GPO-VIR) are cheap but about 30% of those using the drugs suffer side effects. (I was one of those, and developed a rash on every part of my body, and I mean every part). The imported drugs can cost 20,000 Baht a month. Add to that, quarterly (at least) blood tests costing a further 9,000 Baht, far too much for many. I had BUPA medical insurance, but HIV+ is excluded from their cover. So I had to pay for all medical costs myself, including hospitalisation for kidney stones, another side effect of the drug regime.

Once I felt well enough to travel, my new HIV+ friend made an appointment for me at a specialist clinic in London. This was another turning point and a saviour. I got the drugs and tests for free, and more importantly the level of support was very comforting. Even taking flight costs into account it is well worth the effort. It would be unfair to compare a major HIV research centre in London to a general hospital where I am living in Thailand, it competed very well on treatment and has no waiting time, unlike UK hospitals, but so far here in Thailand the all-important support and counselling seems mostly unavailable.

Today I have largely come to terms with my condition, it is no longer in my thoughts all the time, but of course it is never far away; the slightest pain or blemishes on my skin raises my blood pressure! I have gained 16 kilograms, and on the whole feel well. I get tired very easliy and have to “listen” to my body more than I ever have before. I try to eat well, but I do drink alcohol in moderation, or at least that is my story. Until you have a chronic condition you take your body far too much for granted. HIV has proven to me just what an amazing thing our body is and how it learns to cope with things.

The main reason for my story is that I hope it helps anyone who feels like I did. I am sure it must be worse for many Thais as they would have to hide the facts from their parents and family. That alone must but so hard to cope with, more so at a time when you feel unwell.

Dragoncastle and I want to help you in any way possible. We are starting an online HIV/AIDS forum. I have access to a huge amount of brochures and support information from the UK. Feel free to ask whatever questions you may have. Our object is to try to stop you feeling alone and in despair. We also want to hear positive stories, in fact anything at all about HIV/AIDS.

We do not profess to be able to answer medical questions, but we maybe able to refer you to someone who can help, or at the very least stop you feeling too alone with your condition.